February 6, 2012

There’s something about dreams lately

I don’t know why, but I’ve been having interesting dreams lately. Most of them have already slipped my memory, but one in particular stands out as hopeful or positive.

My husband and I were at a place that was ostensibly his old denomination’s church (although it looked nothing like it.) They were taking down the Christmas decorations in a very specific manner. All of the trees had to be moved–whole–to an area. People started in one room–and if someone tried to get started in another room to help them work ahead, they got disapproving looks.  Then the trees could be stripped of their ornaments. It was all very methodical, and the church people were very strict about the manner and order of which things were to be done, and some people were getting rather discouraged about their involvement, because it felt like they weren’t welcome. And yet, they were already signing up people to volunteer the next year, to take down Christmas decorations then.

My husband and I looked at the forms, and we decided it wasn’t going to be fun. Now, they did have Christmas cards everywhere, hanging on strings between wall posts and along the walls. They were all thank-you notes to the church for the over-the-top Christmas decorations–platitudes, really.

The church even offered free cards and pens so people could write more thank yous. I decided to write a different sort of thank you note. I wrote something to the effect of, “Thank you for providing spiritual formation for us thus far. We appreciate it, even as we found a better spiritual home.” And I wrote the card with my former denomination in mind, as well.

I think this dream is hopeful because it means that I’m comfortable with my husband’s and my new spiritual home. That I’m comfortable with my decision, already. I do not want to denigrate the Catholic Church, because I have received much personal hope and support from them–and I appreciate all of it. It just came to a point where I needed to look elsewhere in order to have space to grow, spiritually.

  • Share/Bookmark

Leave a Comment

Filed under Episcopalian, Misc.

January 31, 2012

My dad can…(blank)

…go take a flying fuck?

…go to hell?

…go jump in a lake in January?

I had a bad dream last night about him. Thankfully my alarm woke me up. Not thankfully, waking up in the middle of a dream makes me more likely to remember it. And I do.

My dad was pouting around because I had some boundaries he didn’t like, when he asked me to “tell the truth.” What he really meant by that, as is always the case, “tell me what I want to hear.” I decided to tell him the truth. . I told him he was behaving like a child. He wasn’t happy, but he pretended to be, and proceeded to “tickle” me. And by tickle, I mean he gouged his finger into my side, pretending it to be a “joke.”

No. It’s not a joke. It’s an act of micro-aggression. He would do that a lot at home. He probably still does to the little ones. I hated it, and he knew I hated it, so why did he keep doing that? As an act of aggression, to remind me he is more powerful than me. (So he thinks.) I can’t remember the next part because that was when my alarm went off, but I’m pretty sure I was telling him to stop, and that would have been followed by me leaving the house, to enforce those boundaries.

The sad thing is that my little siblings were in the dream, still arrested in the same age they were when I last saw them, and still brainwashed.

The good thing is that I actually have boundaries in my dream. I’m glad for that.

I’m not sure why I had a bad dream about him. Well, I guess I do know. It would also explain why being falsely accused of cheating has bothered me so much. I didn’t cheat, so I shouldn’t be upset, right? It reminds me so much of how my dad periodically (eg, every week or two)  accused me of hating his guts or lying or committing some offense even when I hadn’t. At the time I was still brainwashed and still loved the Dear Leader.

When my dad disowned me, he accused me once more of hating him, and that the fact that  I was away from home all the time and too busy with work and school was a perfect example of how I hated him. Come ON…I was going to school full time, working on keeping up my high GPA, in the honors program, working two part time jobs, and had a boyfriend (who had just accepted my proposal 4 days before dad disowned me). Yes, I was busy. He also falsely accused me of keeping my room specifically messy just to spite him. NO, the fricking N-O. See above. I was busy. And I cleaned when I had the chance. He said that once he asked me if I lived with Jeff and his family, if I would still have a messy room. I had no clue what to say, what the safe answer was. If I said yes, he would chew me out for disrespecting everybody. If I said no, he would chew me out for disrespecting him. I had no clue what to say. I said “no,” at the time, hoping it was the least dangerous option.

Well, apparently it was one reason he disowned me.

Anyway. I just feel kind of crappy and off-kilter today, and I’m barely hungry at all. I made myself eat half of a PBJ so I wouldn’t get sick, but that’s pretty much it. Also, a tiny bit of chocolate. Maybe tea will perk me up. I’m going to need the energy because I’m going to work on school tonight. And yes, that includes cataloging. I kind of enjoy it, in a masochistic way, the same way I kind of enjoy sudoku. The thrill of solving a puzzle, piece by piece, you know? I’m just a little afraid of my prof, now. Probably because I’m irrationally comparing him to my abusive father.

Another piece of the puzzle put into place, and it explains my moodiness yesterday and today. Maybe now that I’ve figured this part out, I can move out of this funk.

  • Share/Bookmark

Leave a Comment

Filed under Misc.

Tagged as , , ,

January 31, 2012

What do you do when you’re falsely accused of cheating?

It was kind of disappointing. I stayed up entirely too late on Sunday to work on my first practice assignment for Cataloging. I’d been working on it since Friday night, and had stressed out too many times about, “do I need to do this field? I know how to do it ’cause I was able to understand it on OCLC, but we haven’t covered it yet.” or “damn, I can’t figure out how to do these fields–it’s not in our powerpoints. Did I miss a powerpoint? I hope he won’t deduct points for missing a field. shit. I wish I knew how to find the subject headings.”

If you’re a Hermione like me, then you know the feeling.

We hadn’t actually officially started Unit 1 yet, but I had already finished Unit 0 (first week of class) and had the time, so I worked ahead. And I couldn’t understand it very well, so I looked at the practice exercise–and realized that if I worked on cataloging that first book, that will help me better understand it. So I worked on it, going back frequently to my mounds of printed out PowerPoint slides and web articles to verify things. I also constantly checked OCLC’s examples to get an idea of the punctuation, because so many of my schoolmates had already taken cataloging, and moaned anytime they got points deducted for not paying attention to the punctuation. So I paid close attention.

Sunday night, I finally finished it–and then agonized about submitting it. “Is it really done? Am I missing anything? Those dang empty fields. Maybe I should put [did not cover] in the fields just so he knows not to deduct points because we haven’t covered it yet. At least, I’m pretty sure we haven’t covered it yet–I don’t remember it in amongst the readings. I don’t think I’m over looking it. I’m overlooking it, I’m sure! No, just submit and be done,” I told myself.

Finally, I did submit it, and felt so proud of myself. I’m getting the hang of Cataloging. Geez, it took 4 hours to do the book, and an hour or two for the rest of the problems. I hope it gets faster. Good thing I started early. I’m going to start on the other assignments early, too, just so I don’t go up the deadline. I HATE all-nighters. I hate them, because then I can’t function at work the next day.[this was my stream of consciousness.]

Then Monday, on the bus ride to work, I got an email from the prof asking me why I submitted it early and how I knew what fields to fill in. Okay, I thought. It was strange, but okay. I got on my work computer and emailed him back to explain that I’m the student who likes to work ahead, and that I didn’t fill in the fields we didn’t cover. The instructions did say just do what we learned, in Areas 1-8.  Even though I was close to pulling my hair out to figure out what he meant about that, I thought I did alright in following his directions.

He wrote back again quickly, and asked me again about how I knew what fields to fill in, and how to leave ____ , _____, and _____ fields empty. That’s when it dawned on me. He thought I was cheating.

I told him again that I just did the fields we covered in Areas 1-8, and that I actually had filled in _____ field, and didn’t know we weren’t supposed to try to fill it in. I just thought I understood it from OCLC and that I’d give it a try.

It was rather upsetting. When I vented to my schoolmates, some of his former students told me he had a really bad time with cheaters last semester, and that perhaps he’s overly suspicious about things this semester.

I understand that, and don’t blame the guy for being suspicious. It still felt upsetting to me, because I’m afraid of a “he said she said” situation down the road. Even if just one prof thinks someone is cheating, without any proof, that can be problematic for the academic career.

I’m now a little afraid to keep working on Cataloging homework. On the plus side, I must show some aptitude for cataloging, since it sounds like he was wondering about my correct answers. Always look on the sunny side, right?

What would you do if you were falsely accused of cheating?

  • Share/Bookmark

Leave a Comment

Filed under Library Science

January 31, 2012

I started my journey on Sunday

I started my journey to the Episcopal Church on Sunday. I didn’t go to my old parish, and then I received non-Catholic communion for the first time. I will be officially received at the Easter Vigil.

My thoughts in order were:
Tastes like Catholic wine
What a relief
I didn’t suddenly fall into a pit of fire
Angel choirs also didn’t burst into song. It was a quiet and profound moment, and I appreciate that. I felt happier. I also really appreciated the New Members luncheon we had with the pastor–there were a few other ex-Catholics who joined the Episcopalians for reasons similar to mine. And when I had to vent about the way some of the conservative Catholics were going on about things, they all understood my POV. And they agreed with me. It would have been okay if they didn’t agree, but geez, that’s one thing the conservative Catholic friends weren’t doing–actually critically thinking about the issue instead of simply agreeing with the bishops.

Sure, I understand they trust the bishops, but you can’t automatically trust everything that they say. You do have to apply your own critical thinking to their opinions, and see whether they have a point, or full of BS, or a mix of both. Lately it seems like they’ve been spouting out more BS. Some guy in Pennsylvania said that Hitler and Mussolini would like the way public schools are operated. (WTF?)

And even though I’m no longer Roman Catholic, I can’t help but still feel frustrated at how the conservative Catholics are behaving, perhaps I still feel a little condemned. They never actually told me directly, “You’re going to hell,” but anytime I try to bring up the argument about treating menstrual difficulties with hormones (yes, while still being married) they tell me that it’s a grave sin because some bishop said so. In Catholic lingo, that’s the same as “you’re going to hell.”

You can see why I got tired of that.

When I announced the good news on Facebook, so many of my friends have been incredibly supportive of my journey. I love them all. It especially was really nice when a cousin and my former roomie, who are Catholic, said they supported me 100%. That really meant and still means a lot to me.

I guess I was expecting a lot of backlash from the said conservative Catholics. ‘Cause you know, leaving the “one true Church” means I’m going to hell. Perhaps they weren’t going to be hateful, or perhaps they decided not to comment when I got so many supportive comments from friends, but I am pleasantly surprised I haven’t heard from any of them. Not even FB messages, thanks be to God.

I’m just feeling a little pissy still at all the rhetoric from the bishops and the said Catholic friends, but my friend’s therapist had good advice that I’m co-opting. Don’t put any energy toward those you can’t change (or toward the negative people). I just need to focus on what I can do. It will take a while to achieve this goal, but I’m going to try. Perhaps I can pray the Rosary when I’m feeling pissy. Or do something that will help with my spiritual formation. I need a book that will be nurturing without being too pop-culturish or too weak on the theology. But I don’t want to dig too deep into theology, either–I need a rest from that.

Sadly, this librarian is having a hard time figuring out how exactly to approach searching for such a book.

Hmmm.

  • Share/Bookmark

Leave a Comment

Filed under Catholic, Episcopalian

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

January 27, 2012

Yes, I’m making the right decision

I wrote my last post just before heading home from work. On the way home, I did some cataloging homework, but just as we got into the city, I was getting too sleepy to focus, so I checked my email.

Smartphones are a blessing and a curse. First, the curse. I got the Facebook notification that someone else commented on aforementioned Catholic’s post about HHS, basically re-quoting Archbishop Dolan. Why is it everyone’s quoting Dolan? Why not anybody else? I’m starting to worry about a Dolan-groupie group-think. Just because he took offense, so did the USCCB. And because the USCCB took offense, all Catholics are required or felt obligated to repeat and support what the USCCB and Dolan says. I’m afraid he’ll be the first American Pope. Geez. That’s not a settling feeling.

Anyway, the person said that Humane Vitae said that any contraceptive use in marriage is inherently evil. ANY. Funny, I’ve heard from other places that it’s not the case. Married women can be treated for gynecologic disorders while enjoying the full benefits of being married, if you know what I mean.

You know what else Humane Vitae says? Many, including priests and theologians, have interpreted it to mean “reasonable treatment” but it said “cure.” The only cure for most gynecologic ddisorders would be a malpractice non-cure, that is, a full hysterectomy and ovarectomy. There’d be millions of people walking around without their uteruses and ovaries. There, that’ll solve the overpopulation. Ha.

You know what else the encyclical did? It drew a comparison between marital rape and contraception. Srsly.

It also drew conclusions that wasn’t even up to date with the reproductive science at the time. And science have further disproved many of the objections (namely, abortion.) It drew questionable theological conclusions, making a strange differentiation between NFP and contraception, even though both are made with full consent of both spouses with the moral intent of delaying pregnancy and spacing out children.The morality of various approaches to the same end can be discussed and questioned–only if they consider modern scientific discoveries in said discussion. New, unverified discoveries can be overlooked for the moment, but anything that seems to have consistent results no matter how many studies have been done…those need to be considered.

First off, I really do not understand the objection to medical treatment. It starts making people sound like the Christian Scientists or Jehovah’s Witnesses when they start denying effective and relatively inexpensive treatment for questionable religious purposes. Seriously, people are saying I can’t use Implanon solely because I’m married. I can be treated if we abstain from sex according to these people’s perspectives, but abstention is also a moral matter if we abstain for too long. So, therefore, married women can’t be treated. Nope. Nada.

Oh, don’t get into the whole PPVI Institute thing. Same hormones, different name. Just because it has the pope‘s name in the title doesn’t make it suddenly okay. I tried it. The Creighton Model with Hilgers’ additions is great–I was actually able to track and make some sense of my periods, even if they didn’t want to come. But when I went to see him with the required data later on, he was rude and dismissive–I presume because I wasn’t married yet, so he couldn’t help me conceive. The office repeatedly said that they could process it as a gynecological visit rather than infertility, when I checked in and out. Then they billed me for infertility anyway , and insurance didn’t cover it. Yeah, $100 was kind of painful. I never went back, and then later on I realized, hey, there are already meds with the exact same hormones. In PILL form! Cheaper! And I can go to a regular gynecologist! For cheaper! Turns out the med I needed was an implant, but it’s exactly the same thing as the shots from Hilgers so often promoted. ARGH.

So, married women like me whose uterus doesn’t want to shed its lining have to resort to just prayer to solve our condition, or opt for a full hysterectomy, which insurance probably won’t pay for because it could have been treated with a far cheaper medicine!

Okay. Rant over. My views are still in flux, but I’m recognizing more and more just how… how shall I phrase it…backwards Catholic theology and morality is compared to reproductive scientific discovery. Seriously, people are afraid of being treated for fear of hell. Or rejection by fellow Catholics.

Now, for the blessing of smartphones–just as I had finished reading the emailed notification, I realized that I was making absolutely the right decision. And a new email came in just then–and it was an email from the pastor at the cathedral, saying that was delightful news. There’s going to be a luncheon at the church on Sunday and both my husband and I are going–so she’ll talk to me then.

What a relief–seriously, perfect timing. I’d been a nervous, unsure person all week after I semi-sorta-kinda made a definitive decision to be EpiscoCatholic and hadn’t heard back after sending an email. Perhaps she was waiting until I made a definitive decision?

In any case, it will feel extraordinarily weird not to go to a Roman Catholic Mass this Sunday. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the parish I went to–but I just could no longer reconcile my beliefs with the Church’s, and to top it off, I felt like there was no place for me, a moderate.

But that’s the other blessing…I get to sleep in, because it’s a 11am Mass at the Episcopal Cathedral. Ha!

That’s the other thing that’ll feel weird. First time I receive Communion that’s other than Catholic. The wine’s different, too.

I’m sad, but I’m also very very glad.

Glad for my supportive husband and his family. Glad for my friends. Oddly enough, I especially appreciated the listening ear and the advice from my agnostic and atheist friends. My pagan friend is amazingly supportive. An ex-Catholic Christian helped me to realize that I’m not the only one who had difficulty reconciling with some of the Church’s teachings.

God bless them all. Even the agnostic and atheist friends–they were friends with me from the beginning of college, and managed to stick by me even when I was this really conservative shy Catholic who was rather narrow-minded, and stuck by me as my beliefs evolved. They’ve both said that it was fascinating watching me. Ha. I’m glad I can be of some entertainment to them :P

  • Share/Bookmark

Leave a Comment

Filed under Catholic, Episcopalian

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,